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Days Out for All the Family
It's half term, the kids are getting irritable and Mum's climbing the walls. Come on Dad! Why not take a break and explore the Britain you never even knew existed? Here's an idea of what your lot could be up to on a traditional family day out.... Don't forget that flask!
Sunday at the Seaside
'Of course, it would have to coincide with the bloody match on Sky wouldn't it? Then she pipes up doesn't she?
"Oh I see, you'd rather go drinking with your bloody mates than spend some time with your own children". No, I just wanted to see the match - the one I've been looking forward to all fucking week. But no. Let's go to the fucking seaside and sit in the pissing fucking rain staring out of the car window for five hours. There - I've missed it. Happy now, bitch?'
A day out in
Hexham
'Yeah, Hexham's a nice place. But it's not that nice is it? I mean - what would she do if she actually lived here? Wander round the streets every day, glassy eyed, in a state of constant fucking enchantment? Christ I could murder a pint. Look at those bloody kids -
How many times? Stay away from the bloody road!! Jonathan! Are you
stupid?'
The Roman Wall
'Oh let's go to the Roman Wall, it's really nice out there, it'll be really
good. Absolute bollocks. And another thing - what's actually wrong with going in a pub? I'm not going to drink ten pints you daft cow. People do just have a couple you know. The kids could've had chicken nuggets, we could've had a lasagne, but no. That word again - no. We'll sit in this fucking field trying to stop this howling gale blowing my stupid little egg sandwich out of my hand.'
The Sea Life Centre
'Once you're here it's actually not that bad. Even she's on pretty good form today - I've always liked her in that outfit. Tch! Look at those two kids! They'd climb in that tank if they got the chance! Oh no. It's only my fucking boss. I do not believe this. "Hi! Yeah, erm it'll be ready next week - absolutely! Well, I'm on holiday this week. I know that Sir, I know that...erm, look I could come in just for an hour or two I suppose...what? Your car's outside? Look...erm................. yes Sir".'
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