| Care
more about cash than morals? Then write to PR Guru
Max Clifford...
Captain
Cash-in
"Cynically exploiting the British public's rapacious desire for emotive and tawdry news stories."
Dear Captain Cash-in
Our daughter was recently murdered, having been subjected to a sickeningly prolonged ordeal of sexual and physical abuse. We're writing for help as we're having difficulty coming to terms with our grief.
Mr & Mrs
Dalyard, Staffs.
Captain Cash-in replies...
"Of course you are! Without the comfort of a tearful press conference in front of the flashing cameras of the country's tabloid press, how are you expected to cope? For a modest cut of the newspaper rights, I can arrange a full blown media event at which you can appeal for information to help capture your daughter's killer, and perhaps urge the government to rush through a piece of knee jerk legislation to cover an issue about which you know very little
indeed."
Dear Captain Cash-in
Having recently been hounded from office after presiding over an administration which sanctioned some of the worst atrocities seen in Europe since World War II, I'm finding work hard to come by. Do you have any suggestions which may allow me to live in the splendour to which I have become accustomed?
S
Milosevic, Salzbu.. er no, Rio de Janeiro
Captain Cash-in replies...
"Fear not, I know for a fact that Martin Bashir is prepared to pay top dollar for any interview guaranteed to generate publicity and a snotty editorial in the Guardian. Leave it to me, I'll negotiate the fee and probably only make a small amount for myself into the bargain. It's about time you were given the opportunity to put your side
across."
Dear Captain Cash-in
I've been waiting over a year for an appointment at my local NHS hospital to have an ingrowing toe nail seen to. The pain is becoming unbearable but I can't afford to go private. Can you help?
Mrs P Bestford (aged 72), Glossop
Captain Cash-in replies...
"You bet I can! This has got everything - NHS waiting list horror stories, gruesome pain and a little old lady, I bet you even fought in the war, didn't you? The real question we need to ask is 'How much do you need that foot?' The Daily Express can be quite generous on these hardship tales, but if you want proper money your best bet is the News of the World and an amputation. Either way we're happy, or at least I will be. It's not the fee, it's serving the public's right to know that I find most rewarding.
Send us your comments about this article...
|